I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
