I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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