i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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