Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
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So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
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What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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