Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
