So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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