I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Cover your peen. We're going out.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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