Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
