i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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