How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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