Can Purell be used as lube?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Houston, we have a squirter
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
