I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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