My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
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I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
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Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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