i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
