WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
