before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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