is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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