I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
