dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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