its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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