Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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