I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
