Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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