Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
