What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
