Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
