i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
