This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
this beer tastes like vomit already
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
