I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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