i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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