You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
