perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
