This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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