Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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