dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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