my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He passed out mid-signature
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
