Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
babies were throwing up all over the place
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
be right there i have to get my cape
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
