so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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