Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
