oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
