I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
