There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
