When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
there's paper in my vomit.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
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Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
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Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
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