when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
