Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
