fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
