im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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