I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think my nap took me to another dimension
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Never let your siblings swipe right.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
