I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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