now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
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