in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
