i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
