i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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