On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
