my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize
