I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
