Michael Bay diarrhea
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
