you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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