I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
