if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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